When I conceived my first child, I was 26 years old. I had thought about having children but felt no real hurry. I thought maybe in my thirties at some point I would get around to it but I was more focused on travel and exploring myself amongst the wilderness of the earth. When I was 22 years old I had lost my father to cancer in quite an abrupt way and I went into a deep state of grief, anxiety and depression. I was so lost and my heart was broken, I literally felt like I was finding pieces and trying to reconnect them back together but somehow it didn’t quiet fit back the same way. I was fractured in a way I thought was irreparable.
I clearly remember taking a pregnancy test on the toilet at home and walking out in tears when those little lines popped up announcing a wee life was well underway, forming inside of me. I was shocked, it was not something I had planned nor was it something I was sure I was ready for but in the loving embrace of my now husband I knew it was something that was happening and was ready for me.This was bigger than me and I had to trust in it and just let it be. I feel like we choose our parents on some level, like we are undertaking a journey and we are deciding who will be our guide. Maybe it is all random but I feel like the little spirit that entered the world and into my arms chose me and I would choose him every time. We learn from each other daily and in many ways I feel like he keeps me in check of the bigger purpose of it all.
Once I had got my head around the fact that I was going to be a mother, I started to love feeling the life forming inside of me. Cocooned amongst my organs and connected to my blood, feeling and feeding off my emotion, we were one for a time. I enjoyed everything about the pregnancy and it really was a magical time, I had a sense that no matter what was going on daily I had this magic feeling inside me and nothing could bring it down. I knew so instinctually that I was having a boy. I just felt it so strong, that male energy that had been missing from my life was re emerging. Then he was born and in an instant my world changed, my life changed, I changed. Where there had been a big emptiness of lost and sadness, glowing amongst it was a love so pure. A light had re entered where it had been pitch black and life began again where there had been the blankness of death. A paternal love in which I could not have anticipated would overwhelm me in such a way. The hole still remains and sometimes I feel the emptiness suck me up when I think of the loss of my father. I have bouts of depression still and when I get bogged in the sadness it really brings me down. Now though I look at my son and I connect with my Dad, I see him in my son. My little boy healed me in a way I will never truly be able to express to him, he put love back into such a barren place. Like an empty field where slowly the seedlings start to form and again crop grows where it once had before. He gifted me with unconditional love. I really don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t had his love.
I have moments where I have flashes looking at him seeing myself as a child and remembering moments with my Dad. It makes me reflect on such happy times in my life, some of the best I have had so far. I think it’s one of the beautiful things about becoming a parent you get to relive the best moments of your childhood and even sometimes do things over or in a different way. You also get to feel that love on the other side of things and from a new perspective. I really feel lucky amongst all the changes that motherhood has bought into my life that my son choose me, he healed me and gave me a love that is so unique, transforming in fact. It is a true blessing.