This year (even though we are not so deep into it), has been a year of some bold choices for me. I have really been navigating a space of personal and spiritual beliefs.Making changes to improve myself, the world and the course of my life. All I have known to this point are the voices in my head telling me who I am. The constant chatter! I have not been listening to my heart, my truth for some time. I have chosen to connect and I’m loving the space I am in.
So I have learnt something (aha!!) as spiritual beings in a psychical bodies we must reconnect ourselves, retune and observe our patterning. “All knowledge is self knowledge” It was 8 years ago that I lost my father to cancer. It was such an enormous shock to my being and the devastation that followed I could never have imagined. I felt like I was living out of my body, in somebody else life, certainly not mine. The months and to be honest years that followed were a blur,the heartache was so tremendous, so raw, so intense. I had never felt feelings of sadness, loss, grief to this degree before. I was lost in the depths of mourning and had no idea how to move forward.
So I made a decision, sub conciouesly I made the choice to switch my heart off. I was done feeling, feeling sad, lost, lonely but also feeling love and comfort for this only lead to pain. Well I thought if I switched my heart off enough to be able to function through life, be happy… enough, I could settle for a mediocre life. Numbed out enough that i would never have to feel such pain again but feeling as much as I needed to to survive. It was a sure fire plan. A survival plan! My human mind and body would go through the motions but I was going to cruise through life not feeling so much. So I did… fairly well….for a while.
Flash forward 3 years and as I took that pregnancy test, I cried but I knew with all my being it was going to be a boy. I just somehow knew my Dad had something to do with it, he had sent me this gift to try and heal my heart that had turned to stone. That higher intervention, it felt like a sign and by felt I mean I felt it from the depths of my guts. As much as I tried to shut out connecting to life, to people, to passion this was bigger than I. It was life growing inside of me, apart of me, from me. The more I connected with this spirit inside, my heart begun to crack open and I was losing control, I was feeling tremendous love again. As much as I resisted it was far stronger than I, it infiltrated the depths of my soul!
Flash forward 5 years on, here I sit with 2 little munchkins so content, happy and open. Full of love! I couldn’t have imagined that these beautiful ,crazy souls could have hit me with such force and made me look at myself so deeply. Question everything and challenge myself to be the best, truest version of myself. I will be forever in dept to them for opening me back up to life. To really loving and connecting in this human experience. I have become a more compassionate, kind person. I have strength that I never knew existed. I am always analysing and reviewing my beliefs and core so that I can be the best role model I can be. I am love, we are all love in essence, even when our choices don’t reflect it. Life can sometimes challenge us and we can close up and not want to feel anymore because lets face it this life is intense. But when we choose the heart, when we connect from our heart space, life is beautiful and absolutely worth living. I am living everyday centered from my heart and I always believe that if we make choices from the this sacred place, from purity, from love. All will be taken care of, in the tapestry of life each intention that is placed so intentionally will create the fabric of our lives. Whatever we sow we will reap and I trust there is a greater intention for us all. Trust in love, live in love, find love in all the nooks and crannies of life.