I am finding it a little hard to be posting weekly at the moment and considering maybe pulling it back to fort nightly, as I have just taken a big step in my personal life and decided to do my Yoga teacher training. I am only a few weeks into my 6 month course and it’s already transforming me! Beyond anything I imagined. It’s been a long time since I have felt (besides motherhood and family), that I have been exactly where I am meant to be. Like I am working towards something that I feel passionate about and that feels like it has real purpose and meaning.
You see I am one of those creative types, ha! I love a project and so my interest span over so many things, Music, art, craft, WRITING, poetry, reading, performance and the list goes on. I love working in flow and using my hands to create. Although writing is something that I have always loved and been constant, I seem to flip in and out of things quiet a lot. It could be due to my broad interest and I genuinely do love learning so many mediums. It could also be that I have struggled with my confidence and never see things through at the sheer terror of failure. I would say mostly though it’s because although I love to experience many things, none of them seem to stick, never crossing that bridge from enjoyment to feeling a sense of passion and purpose. Maybe you need the magic combination of all the above.
I have desperately been seeking that feeling where I would love to sink my teeth into something. Maybe I was looking to hard, not actually allowing things to evolve and I guess find me. I have done a few courses over the last few years trying out different things and although they gave me a sense of satisfaction, I didn’t get the feeling like they were things that I would want to do as an everyday practice. It left me feeling lost, like I know there is something out there for me but maybe I would never find it. Yet here I am with that feeling like ‘I have arrived’. The funniest part is that when I enrolled in this course my goal was not to be a yoga teacher exactly, I was open to what may arise but thought maybe this would help me deepen my practice and help me find some answers into what next… Yoga has been a big game changer over the last 12 months and so it felt naturally like a good idea.
As with all great ideas then our minds get in the way! Funny that huh? In making my choice to do this I decided to try something different from my usual approach. I am a pragmatic, grounded thinking Virgo! I analysis everything and I tend to make choices from my head. I lead with the practical mind and not so much from the heart. This is something I think that has escalated since having children. I shouldn’t do this because… it’s so much money, takes so much time, doesn’t work with everybody’s schedule, will put people out, doesn’t fit in with my plans….and so on and on and on… But mostly because maybe somewhere deep inside it’s easier to hide behind excuses than own my space.
So I sat in meditation for a few weeks and just felt exactly what my heart was telling me to do. I had reached this crossroads where I was sure (SO SO SO SURE) that I was done doing what I have been but not sure what the next step was. As much as my head was talking me out of it my heart was telling me there was something here for me. So I jumped in, heart first. I feel like I am so in sync with myself and I had almost forgotten what it felt like to feel like that. A sense of utter joy in the doing..
About a year ago I started committing to my practice several times a week, no excuses. At home and classes. I feel like I have worked through so much stuff on my mat and it has filtered through so many aspects of my life. Key areas are parenting, self-love and care. I feel like the more I am dedicated to a regular practice, the more grounded I am with the kids, more rational, more connected and more conscious. I feel I don’t fly off the handle so much and I tend to just not let the small stuff that used to get to me, affect me so much. It has made me observe how I am as a mother and acknowledge things that I feel I am doing well and other areas where I feel i can modify things. Also more grounded in the decision-making of how is it that I truly want, need, must parent each individual child. I have my mat out at home and even if I feel like things are getting too much I literally go sit, or stretch on my space and give myself a break. Even this, the kids ask what I am doing and it either opens up a dialogue about how I am feeling, how they fell or they join me. My son actually asks me and his Dad to do meditations now. Hurrah!
I have learnt in the time and space that I allow myself (guilt free now), how hard I have been on myself for so long. How hard I push myself and how much pressure I put myself under. I have been the cause of most of my suffering for so long. Now I approach myself with more love, kindness and gratitude. The nicer I am to myself the more I seem to flourish and thrive. I focus on my strengths and acknowledge my weaknesses but don’t channel my energies there any longer. I channel them where I want to see myself shine. Invest them in the people and things I love. Trust in the process of life and try practice being present. As mothers we give out so much loving energy to our children and families and to raise these beautiful souls it uses ALOT of vital energy. It’s certainly not an easy job and it is relentless. The little energy we have left we need to harness not direct into self loathing, or feeling unworthy.
The funny part is when we offer our selves that space, even as little as an hour a week to tap into ourselves. Reconnect with ourselves in something that makes us feel great, a walk, a class, a meditation, a good book, a coffee child free!, WHATEVER YOUR ZEN MAYBE! When we make ourselves a priority two things happen we find a joy in ourselves again, a love for ourselves, a contentment in our life and it flows into all aspects of our lives! By us loving ourselves enough we are also teaching our children one of the biggest lessons in life too. That they must love themselves enough, they are worthy and need to make themselves a priority! As one day they may choose to become a parent, or maybe that is not their path but either way they will know by the example that was set for them, that self-love is one of the most important kinds of relationships that we engage in as it will determine all the others we experience throughout the rest of our lives.
I encourage you this week to find a space even if it’s for 15 mins to just sit with yourself and see what comes us for you. Just drop down into your heart, feel and listen. You may be surprised what you hear or maybe the freedom of dropping out from the constant noise may free you in a whole new way. Just remember YOU ARE WORTHY!
Blessings A x