I have been re- working my blog this week and it’s slowly reshaping.. I felt like I haven’t been writing as much and have been wondering why? YES YES time, but there is never really enough time for anything right so why let that stop us!
I guess what it really came down to was I wasn’t feeling really connected about what I was writing. Not so much the content but the topics. So I have decided to get back to really just expressing truthfully the journey of being with my kids day in and and day out and choosing to educate them out of the system. I want to write about us, really connect and share what this journey is for us and how we are kinda making it up as we go. I am learning a hell of a lot about trust in my life at the moment, this theme keeps re-occuring. To trust in life, in oneself, in others. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do and this need to control often arises, but I am really open to trusting this journey and trusting my self as a mother, that I am enough to provide the right education for my children, trust in my partner to walk along side me in co-educating and re enforcing the choices and path we choose, To trust the children to find themselves amongst the freedom of home schooling. To trust life really! ( Cause I certainly can’t control it!!!)
It was only a few short months ago that I quit my job, feeling run down and like I was shuffling kids around from one place to the other and not truly tapping into what they needed. My partner and I decided that despite the financial burden this would create me being at home with the kids was exactly what our family needed for this time. Now we decided as my son was soon to turn 5 that we would “trial” what it would be like to home educate. What it would be for me to be with the kids full time, could I handle it? Would they drive me nuts? Was I enough? Trial how they respond to learning from the life around them.
We have joined a few homeschool activities and groups to feel out the circles, talk with people and connect on their experiences. It’s been such an eye opener and such an empowering time. I love being with my kids, yep all the time! Even the times they drive me up the wall. I feel the most connected to them then I ever have. I can feel the shift in them having me around, like I am a compass as they navigate their space. They feel more settled, more grounded. We have a flow, definately not a routine but the word flow seems to sum it up. We are learning the right amount of time to be on top of each other and enough time lost in our own projects. I am learning little ways to take time outs for myself, like having my yoga mat out and taking moments to stretch and pause. I also carry my writing books and poetry books and when moments arise that the kids are engaged in play or activities I lose myself in my creative passions, even if for a few short stolen moments, they are my stolen moments. I am learning to give my kids space, to get lost in things they love to do. I guess when I was working I would feel like I would have to fill up every minute of our time together to make it last while I was away, I guess feeling like my presence alone wasn’t compensation enough. It is though, I can see having me around they are more content, they love it and so do I.
It’s totally not all roses and I have days where I get burnt out, I am tired and feel I have very little to offer. Some days where I feel like “how the hell am I going to do this?”. Days where the mess of such a lived in home gets on top of me.. But then I have days where I see something click for them, or I get lost watching them play, or create or simply share lunch and talk with them on how they see the world. I have noticed how often my son now says ” mum I have an idea on how we could make this”, or ” mum maybe we could look up how x,y,z works, or why this happens?” and how is always is enthusiastic about going to museums or galleries, knowing there is some magic piece of knowledge for him to seek out. Everyday is an adventure.
The learning is practical, it’s tangible, it’s connected. They are learning through constant engagement with the world around them. I have learnt so much about my role as a mother and learnt so much about myself in the world, through these few months with them. I feel in so many ways I have been so unclear about how I am mean’t to guide these children. I think for a long time I had fallen into a pattern that I thought was right because many others around me were doing the same. It certainly wasn’t wrong but it wasn’t me, wasn’t us. I guess I hadn’t really connected with what it was that I wanted to pass onto my children and in spending this time with them I am discovering that more and more. I am more secure in myself as a mother, not worrying about what others may think or say of how I choose to bring up my children. This has been something I struggled with a lot in the early days of motherhood, feeling such judgement in even a few passing words from others. I really feel I am enough for my children, I don’t always get it right, I am in constant learning as well, I am full of flaws. But I am enough!
So I hope this gives you a bit more of a feel of the new direction of my blog.. I’m just gonna tell it how it feels really. I hope that, that’s enough for you to keep reading and sharing with your friends xx This experience is all about following your authenticity and heart so I really hope you follow and join this journey with us.
Sending love and light All