Listen! Don’t put it off… Goals, Self love and family life!

There is so much I want to achieve personally, some small, seemingly insignificant goals and others mammoth roads of endurance. When you become a parent, your need to guide, protect and provide for your children automatically kicks in. It’s overwhelming, beautiful, instinctual. Yet your own dreams and desires, for one’s spirit do not just fall at the wayside, NO, they may lose rank in position in the ever changing dynamic of family life but the desire to improve and better oneself still burns bright. Infact motherhood for myself had ignited a fire and has made me even more ambitious, courageous and wanting to really experience life in the truest and purest possible existence. Getting to know my depths, subtleties, stimulants all facets of my soul.

It’s such a juggle financially, energetically, emotionally and psychically. There is only so many places you can be in at one time, ONE (literally have tried and failed). Only so many hours you can work, dollars you can make, hours you can’t sleep in order to make it all come together. Although I can’t express how important it is to keep connected to one’s self throughout the momentum of motherhood (fatherhood too!!). It’s so easy to lose connection to yourself throughout the relentless needs of children, home, work, partners and life. All things we love to dedicate ourself too, wholly and completely but I want you to know it’s ok if you crave more, if you crave you. Even miss you!

We are sensitive spirits and as much as the system around us has us caught up in a grind of accumulating more, working towards superficial goals and not acknowledging our health in mind, body and spirit, I truly believe, more than ever in fact, we must continue to invest in ourselves and make our wellbeing our priority. Our children look to us for guidance, for knowledge, for spiritual nourishment. If we do not know ourselves, know our meanings and beliefs. If we choose to put our passions and desires to the side in order for material gain then we are teaching our children this is the way. But will they be happy? Are you? If we do not invest time and energy into their spiritual wellbeing, fostering their individuality, their inner beauty and building their confidence then no matter how academic they are they will never truly achieve success. If we are stressed, always irritated and ‘too busy’ then this is what our children will learn to be, if they are healthy and happy this is all we ever want for them so we must lead by example and show them how to do so.

As I look at myself and my journey over the last 5 years, I feel like I have been through such a period of internal growth and deeper self understanding.  When you become a mother a new part of yourself is born and just as when a baby is born it takes time to learn, gain strength, understanding, confidence and ability in ones self. Then when you learn those skills you tap into trusting your instinct, a deeper knowing and understanding. When I became a mother I thought it was all about sacrificing one’s self in order to let my children “have it all”. To give them every material possession I could possibly provide, that in order to love them the way a mother should, I would have to put their every single need ahead of mine. This is what I grew up seeing from all the strong beautiful mothers in my cultural community. Loving so much you literally have nothing left. Naturally my children are the greatest loves of my life and my greatest treasures, I would do anything for them but as I am learning this journey is about evolving one’s self, loving oneself enough to know when you need to invest in yourself or when it’s time to invest in others. Love is not true if it is all about giving out and not giving within. Underneath all that outpour of love their must be self love. Although our best intentions to give, give, give and give a little more, it can leave us feeling depleted, exhausted and lost. We all need time to process, revive and replenish.

There is a voice inside us all that is a compass, it tells us when we need a break. When we need some self love, a time out from all the happenings around us. LISTEN!! Don’t put it off… It doesn’t even take a large amount of time, it could be going for a walk on your own everyday for 20mins, a cuppa tea, doing a class in something you like. It can also be really big stuff like studying, a weekend break, or splashing our on a retreat/massage anything you damn well please in fact. You are worth it and you love your children and family no less by investing in yourself. Make time, make you a priority. In fact you have so much extra to offer when you do. Raising children takes an enormous amount of energy and not just psychically but mental also. You are tested and you are taught so much. You draw on all your life experience, all your skills  and all your emotions and what you don’t have you seek just so that you can provide your best. But always remember you are someone else child and they too want the best for you. You deserve to follow your passions, how ever long it may take. You can reach your goals no matter how far fetched they may seem. At the end of the day their is you and you have to sleep with yourself at night knowing you are enough and worthy of that self love. Their is no better lesson to teach your child then self love for they will go through life always abundant in love. So teach by example and do something nice for yourself today and all he days after that!.

 

Blessings x

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Finding love in a Broken Place

This year (even though we are not so deep into it), has been a year of some bold choices for me. I have really been navigating a space of personal and spiritual beliefs.Making changes to improve myself, the world and the course of my life. All I have known to this point are the voices in my head telling me who I am. The constant chatter! I have not been listening to my heart, my truth for some time. I have chosen to connect and I’m loving the space I am in.

So I have learnt something  (aha!!) as spiritual beings in a psychical bodies we must reconnect ourselves, retune and observe our patterning. “All knowledge is self knowledge” It was 8 years ago that I lost my father to cancer. It was such an enormous shock to my being and the devastation that followed I could never have imagined. I felt like I was living out of my body, in somebody else life, certainly not mine. The months and to be honest years that followed were a blur,the heartache was so tremendous, so raw, so intense. I had never felt feelings of sadness, loss, grief to this degree before. I was lost in the depths of mourning and had no idea how to move forward.

So I made a decision, sub conciouesly I made the choice to switch my heart off. I was done feeling, feeling sad, lost, lonely but also feeling love and comfort for this only lead to pain. Well I thought if I switched my heart off enough to be able to function through life, be happy… enough, I could settle for a mediocre life. Numbed out enough that i would never have to feel such pain again but feeling as much as I needed to to survive. It was a sure fire plan.  A survival plan! My human mind and body would go through the motions but I was going to cruise through life not feeling so much. So I did… fairly well….for a while.

Flash forward 3 years and as I took that pregnancy test, I cried but I knew with all my being it was going to be a boy. I just somehow knew my Dad had something to do with it, he had sent me this gift to try and heal my heart that had turned to stone. That higher intervention, it felt like a sign and by felt I mean I felt it from the depths of my guts. As much as I tried to shut out connecting to life, to people, to passion this was bigger than I. It was life growing inside of me, apart of me, from me.  The more I connected with this spirit inside, my heart begun to crack open and I was losing control, I was feeling tremendous love again. As much as I resisted it was far stronger than I, it infiltrated the depths of my soul!

Flash forward 5 years on, here I sit with 2 little munchkins so content, happy and open. Full of love! I couldn’t have imagined that these beautiful ,crazy souls could have hit me with such force and made me look at myself so deeply. Question everything and challenge myself to be the best, truest version of myself. I will be forever in dept to them for opening me back up to life. To really loving and connecting in this human experience. I have become a more compassionate, kind person. I have strength that I never knew existed. I am always analysing and reviewing my beliefs and core so that I can be the best role model I can be. I am love, we are all love in essence, even when our choices don’t reflect it. Life can sometimes challenge us and we can close up and not want to feel anymore because lets face it this life is intense. But when we choose the heart, when we connect from our heart space, life is beautiful and absolutely worth living. I am living everyday centered from my heart and I always believe that if we make choices from the this sacred place, from purity, from love. All will be taken care of, in the tapestry of life each intention that is placed so intentionally will create the fabric of our lives. Whatever we sow we will reap and I trust there is a greater intention for us all. Trust in love, live in love, find love in all the nooks and crannies of lifeheart-1288420_1920.jpg.

Being yourself

We spend so much of our lives wanting, desiring to be something else, to have something we don’t, to need more than what we have in the here and now. Our society is telling us and teaching us to look outward for fulfilment but really we must go inward. To journey into one’s soul is where we will find the peace and truth we are looking for.

I look at myself and I realise for so much of my life in some way or another I have been desiring more and looking externally. Wishing I was in a different body, I was a different ethnicity, in a different country and so on and so fourth. A case of the grass is always greener and thinking when I have/ get/ achieve those things I will be happy. But what happens when you arrive there you don’t feel that fulfilment you thought you would, you still desire for more, what I have realised is this is exactly why I have felt so unsettled so unsatisfied. I have been looking in the wrong place the whole time. I have actually had that truth and passion with me since birth. It has always been there I had just forgotten  how to find it.

All the earthly desires and possesions that keep us distracted from who we are and what we are here to do are an illusion. When we are born we are born in utter perfection, each and everyone of us. Every part of us is perfection but especially our spirit. As we grow and come to understand this space we start to become conditioned, even if in our hearts we believe in something, want to pursue something we comprise and come to know ourselves as the world wants us to be not as we were born to be. We comprise on the illusion that is sold by a system that is false that we need more, we would be happier with more and that true happiness can be bought. I can assure you you need nothing more than what you have today, you need less to allow the flow and create the peace in your life and true happiness and peace can not be bought with money or material possessions.

You are perfect exactly as you are and you were born into the world so intentional from absolute pure love. Even if under chaotic earthly circumstance you are here through love, but only you can choose to live that way through love. The moment one’s heart starts beating is the moment our spirit enters our body and the journey begins, thats what I believe anyway and so too once our heart beats one final time our spirit will exit our bodies and the death of this earthly life takes place. So always lead with the heart. If you too feel overwhelmed by so much that this experience has to offer, as I often do. I ask you to take some moments in your day, week, life to sit. Sit in a quiet, safe place, place your hand on your heart and wait. When you are ready ask your heart “what is it that you want me to know? what am I here to do?” Wait, be open and patient and the response may surprise you.

Blessings to all of you x Always be yourself

Don’t think, feel” Bruce lee

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Booked and time to plan (Fiji)

BULA VINAKA!!! Yes this will be us come February…

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So it has been 4 years since we last went to the beautiful islands of Fiji and yes we have booked to return again. This time though with two little munchkins in tow. We have not had a decent holiday for quite some time and I feel as a family we desperately need to recoup, revive and regroup. So we have been working busily through Christmas and New Year without a break but come Feb we will take a few weeks time out.

Why Fiji? It’s super family friendly, we have friends and family we want to visit and it is so super chilled and full of natural beauty ! So really the question is why not! We are doing a mix of staying with family and also at a resort. So we will hire a car and just cruise for about a week and then plonk ourselves on some deck chairs by the pool and relax! I am mostly looking forward to being immersed in the natural beauty Fiji has to offer and the wonderful water! Fijians have the most beautiful energy and such a relaxed vibe, it is truely contagious!

We have decided to not take any phones and are debating whether or not to take the iPad for the kids. We really want to disconnect for a bit and just be. I also want the kids to have a screen detox. We are not really big on the iPads and TV generally but I have found over the Christmas and New year period that we have been watching loads of movies.. It’s been fun and we have been connecting and chilling out as a family but I still feel like I just want the kids to be free of everything and just be. Actually I feel like I want the same for myself (and my husband to). So I can read, write, meditate and soak up all of what is going on around me. Just be in the moment. We live in a world that is so “connected” that we forget to disconnect, that we even can disconnect. I feel disengaging and going within is a really important practice that is becoming harder and rarer to do.

I have also been thinking about some natural learning/ home ed I want to incorporate with kids. Some ideas of activities I want to do that will be fun for them:

 

1. A travel journal, pictures, words places documenting his trip

2. Taking his own holiday pics on a camera and putting a collage or album together          when we get home

3. A to do list: things he would like to do in Fiji (after we do a bit of research) and tick them off as we do them

4. A little movie of all the fun things that we learn, see and do, then edit it all together when we get home.

How this will all pan out I am not sure but I thought these were some fun, easy, age appropriate things for O to do and A to tag along with.

This year feels like it has lots on the horizon and I am looking forward to Fiji, to help us rejuvenate before we are full steam ahead. I feel really blessed to be able to take this vacation but only wish we could go sooner. Fiji holds a special place in my heart, it’s somewhere I would love to explore more and discover!

The kids and I will start doing some research on things we would like to do while there and I will share with you some of our top tips. If you have any suggestions please so share I would love to hear! Also if you are a Home Ed family, would love to hear how you fit learning experiences while on holiday, do you plan or just go with the flow of interest and what pops up. Love hearing any feed back..

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The two faces of Christmas

I find my self really torn at this time of year, parts of myself loving the festivities but the other half loathing the consumerism, waste and overall milking dry of the christmas production .

Having 2 small children I love creating that magic, getting lost in the make believe, wonder and really just having fun amongst the catch ups and festivities. It takes me back to my own childhood, reconnecting to that little girl who got lost in her imagination and lived there mostly until she was force to grow up.

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I get upset at myself for then thinking I can’t wait till all of this is over. I am tired, work is hectic, I have a never-ending list of things to do, go go go, push push push…. bhhhhhhaaa I look around at the shops as I am staring blanking trying to find the next best christmas gift for people who pretty much have everything and whatever they do desire they can go and purchase at any convenience. I feel bad for thinking I want to run away from it all. To retreat from christmas and not be apart of something that creates so much stress, waste and negative environmental impact. But again that voice pops up and reminds me it’s a time to connect with family and friends, to give thanks and recognise another year has passed and we have made it through the hurdles and triumphs in which it has dealt us.

And so I seem to keep juggling back and fourth with this kind of thing from about October till December 25th. Because that’s how long the build up runs for. I guess what upsets me and what I am most grateful for are really the same thing and thats why I feel so torn.

I look at my children tucked safe in their beds, in their comfy, clean, christmas pyjamas. With many gifts under the tree, two parents who love them dearly. Food and treats coming from every direction, love in abundance. They are wanting or needing for nothing. Cuddles and affection on demand. I give thanks for this, life’s simple gifts in which we are so blessed with. How I am this fortunate I don’t know and I can only put it down to sheer luck?

Then you turn on the news and all the hype of christmas seems so trivial because more and more people out there are not living the same christmas fantasy, they are living in fear, alone, hungry, unsafe. Not knowing where their loved ones are if they are safe or alive. Scared to live and scared to die. Children so dirty and exhausted not able to remember the last time they were hugged, having no one to cuddle them, assure them that everything will be ok. Looks of sheer terror in their eyes as they look around for reassurance, their eyes are met with none. The future is so unclear. Not knowing what the next minute will hold let alone making it through the next day, week or anything beyond. Children so young being forced out of childhood and taking on roles of the adults who are absent around them. In the faces of the scared, innocent children, I see my children faces looking back at me… in the faces of heartbroken men as they try to salvage what is left of their families lives, all they had once worked for forced from them, I see my husband or brother looking back at me. The woman who cry in anguish and pain wishing to protect their families but are powerless to the peril around them. Not even a mother’s love enough to protect them from the tragedy around them, I see myself, my mother, my sister in their faces. My heart breaks.

For it seems so unfair that some are so lucky and others are not. While we can get so lost in our immediate lives, in the current climate of the world how easily could that be us on a television screen pleading for salvation, dreaming of a life we once owned? How would we want to world to respond if the shoe was on the other foot? Do we give the love and compassion we would want to receive? I give thanks several times, daily for the freedom and safety which surrounds my life and this I do not take for granted. Although I do not believe that I individually can change the situations playing out on a global scale I do believe I can be a source for change. I believe we are all here to do something special, to create change and impact. I believe if we channel what is true in our hearts with that intention we have the greatest power of all, a power that can create momentum.  Propel us forward into a new age of human exsitance. I believe in the good of humanity, in the power of the human spirit and that change is coming.

 

Although I am not sure what part I play in all of this, I am slowly working towards it, figuring it out. So as you tuck your children into bed, prepare you feast and give and receive the gifts that Christmas brings. Do not take for granted the freedom, safety, joy and love that is present in your life. Give thanks and take a moment to pray, send love or just acknowledge those who are struggling through and send love and light to all those who so desperately need it right now.

Merry Christmas and many blessings to you and yours.

 

The year that has been…

This year has been one that I would sum up by being quite challenging on a personal front. It started off in a crazy fashion (save that for another time) and seemed to continue in that direction both internally and externally. Although I have found this year hard, yes I will say it aloud HARD, I feel like I have really broken through some personal boundaries, had some core revelations and come through to know myself a lot deeper, understanding who I am and what it is I am here to do.  I don’t quite have the clarity around the next stages that I would like but I am trusting in the process and have surrendered to this path that I am on.

I have come through to the end of 2016 knowing myself  better and through much reflection and meditation finding clarity and peace towards living an existence that I desire and feels right. Letting go what no longer serves me, giving thanks for the lessons but trusting in life’s process. Onwards to a new path which is calling and walking forward without fear. I am tapping into my connection, my magic, my inner light and allowing it to shine once again from a space of authenticity. Recognising that I have always had that magic, it’s not gone anywhere but I had forgotten it, possibly buried it for sometime and now remembering who I am and returning home.

I have reignited and pursued my passion of writing, which has lead me to start writing this  blog, to connect my thoughts and experiences on this project and open my self to connect through my passion. For such a long time it has been something I wanted to pursue but thought maybe I didn’t have the goods, I realise now that raw talent is just part of it really. We all have something to express, experiences to share, stories from the journey. It has become important for me to pass this on for anyone who is open to receiving it. To share our human story through art. If you want to be a writer than write! (This is what I told myself). If it’s pure people will be drawn to it’s truth and it will resonate. I have a better chance of becoming a finessed writer if I actually put words down than if I never try at all. So here it all is…

I also have started a more dedicated yoga and meditation practice and through these mediums I find myself elevating and strengthening myself mentally and psychically. It’s like I am in training for the greatness about to unfold, the journey I am embarking upon.I feel happy and present in my body, mind and heart when I practice. Like this is exactly what my body needs in order to be the best it can be. I am worth taking time to dedicate to myself, we all are and I have consciously made the space in my life to make this happen.

Doing a lot of work on myself has really affirmed my desire to home educate my children and to travel more. I think on some level we all have a voice within that is telling us what we are, who we are and what we need to be doing. For whatever reasons we choose to acknowledge it or not. For me although home education seems like a mammoth task on so many levels, my intuition is telling me this is exactly what is right for my family. If we do not have the time and space to connect with the ones we love the most, share intimate experiences, teach and learn from each other, to grow and be human side by side what is the point of this all? We are here to journey, if I don’t teach my children that it’s ok to question and make bold choices than I am failing them. The greatest rewards come with the greatest risks. Even if I “fail”, I want to teach them that it’s ok not to get where you thought you were going, but you have to honour that voice inside telling you it’s right. You will be ok, it’s all leading you somewhere.

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I am now in the process of doing a vision board of goals for 2017. There is so much I want to achieve and this both excites and overwhelms me, but I think having these visual notes, guides and images helps me to keep on my path. Helps me to go fourth fearlessly, remembering what my intentions are and what I have set out to achieve. I don’t want to live an ordinary life, although day to day simplicity appeals to me by nature, I want to experience everything I dream in my lifetime. Sharing experience is what this journey is about for me. So to all the dreamers out there I leave you with this link of a youtube video. ” The Art of Being Yourself ” Caroline McHugh. I loved this and it deeply resonated with me as I think in order to move forward to your dreams, one must master the art of being true to one’s self. Although it all seems so simple in theory, it can be quiet challenging in practice. I hope you like this and please get in touch if you do. Remember we all have our own magic so go fourth and use it!

Peace

 

Evolving Spirit

The deeper I challenge myself and the deeper I journey through  finding and exploring my authentic self, the more of an understanding I have of the mother I am and want to be for my children, the intentional existence and experience I want to have and share here and really connecting with my purpose on this journey. Life has been so crazy the past few years and although I am sure it won’t slow down in many respects,  I aim to live a more present, slower pace and respectful existence.

I have been meditating and committing to my yoga practice again because the time feels right, it brings me so much clarity and makes me feel present and content in a pyshical and emotional state. I have also been working with crystals and essential oils and really sitting with myself and allowing myself the time and space to be and allow what is meant to unfold to do just that. I feel a strong connection and a trust between myself and the earth, I am venturing into a new chapter, I am making the choices that feel right for me right now, trusting that intuition and not trying to control but allow things to come to me and flow, in their natural order.

Learning to trust my instincts even though this should come naturally has become something that at times I have to remind myself to surrender to, collectively we are fed so much negativity and fear that we even forget we have nothing to fear when we go within. Even through the worry of what others might think, say or feel to be true, we must reconnect inward and follow and trust our instincts of what feels right to ones self. I heard someone saying the other day, something along the lines of “you may as well do what you want to do in life because people are going to judge you either way.” This is so true, it’s the harsh judgements of the world that can prevent us from making honest choices yet even when we try to please we are left feeling unfulfilled and still judged and mis understood. So follow your heart, with good intentions leading you, the rest doesn’t matter because this is your journey, your story.

I am in a place right now where I am not entirely sure where I want to be in my life, I have rough ideas of things and inspirations I want to achieve although not entirely clear of a direct path. I feel so certain some days and hazy on the subject on others. Although I am a creative, I have moods which change with the seasons and I allow them to just be, it’s apart of my nature and I love to be free to express myself, something I will always allow space for. Amongst this I am feeling really in tune with myself and totally trusting I am on the right path. It’s all about the journey, not the destination right? Even in the moments where I am feeling completely lost and they are fewer and far between I feel connected to my journey here in a way which I have never before. I trust the process, I trust my instincts and I trust my capabilities.

We are all evolving at different times, speeds, sounds, feels, it doesn’t matter where you are at in your journey as long as you are sitting in a place that feels right for you. If you aren’t , you have the power to create change, we all possess such unlimited potential. The forces around us can push us down, break us for a time but they can’t define our spirit. We are the truth we seek. So please share to anyone who you feel maybe on a similar path, want to be or that you think this may resonate with because we are all here to share this human experience and I would love to connect. Peace

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The Sea Change

So I have mentioned previously it’s been a big year, one that has been challenging, we are on the verge of a sea change. By verge I mean so close yet so far, let me explain. We have purchased a block of land that is due to be registered shortly although we have been waiting a year already. We will hopefully start building in the new year. Our lives feel like they have been on hold and the anticipation and pressure of building immense.

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Dreams of a life near the beach!! Australia you are beautiful!

For a long time Sydney has felt over priced, too busy, exhausting and like a rat race. Even before the kids came along my partner and I were dreaming of our perfect place, somewhere near the bush and the sea. Wondering if this would even exist, would we ever find our base? Then once having the kids the idea of space, beach, fresh air all looked even more attractive. Taking that big leap though has been scary, leaving family and friends, stability and all the things we have grown up with in search for a more chilled existence, amongst nature and removing ourselves from the bombardment of media and materialistic propaganda that comes along with the city life. It’s hard as conscious as you try to be not to get caught up in it. We really took time to reflect on what is important to us as a family and when it came down to it space, the flexibility to travel and not having massive financial burdens preventing us from pursuing our passions were the things that were top of the priority list.

We still wanted to be able to come to the city and go to museum and concerts and  tap into the rich cultural hub that is on offer but at the end of the day we don’t want to be caught up in the hustle, bustle and expectation that comes with it. We hope that moving also relieves or softens the financial burdens that at present are a big block to some creative projects we have on the horizon.

So as we are heading into the nitty gritty of the year and building is seeming in reach I feel excited at the possibility of our own home in a location I feel is so perfect for us,  I may have dreamed it up. One of the exciting prospects of building our place has been that I have a room/creative space of my very own, to work on my projects and dream up, chill out and create all the things that come to my mind. It’s a dream come true. Onwards and upwards…

 

First encounter with a Racist

“Don’t run too far ahead, I can’t see you”, I yelled to my little man, as I was slowing down he was quickening up. I was 5 months pregnant and walking out of the library with my 2.5 year old son. The struggle was real as I barely could manage to keep up with him now how was I going to manage the next 4 months? He was singing and playing so freely, unapologetically, obliviously to what was about to take place the moments that followed.

Quite often in my life people would ask me where I am from, I always reply proudly I am Australian. More often than not the response that would follow would be, “but where are you really from?” “I am really Australian!” My parents are Maltese and I was born here in the land built of immigrants, the wonderful culturally diverse Australia.

This country has given me so much and the more I travel, the older I get, I realize how lucky I was, am simply to be born here. My father used to constantly tell me “this is the best country in the world.” He had such an authentic, passionate, appreciation for this country and the favorable circumstances that were presented to him to provide for his family to live freely and abundantly. I am truly grateful that my courageous grandparents took an opportunity of a lifetime and sailed over on the 10 pound passage in the 1960’s, in turn creating a life of opportunities for my parents, my children and myself. I feel they were so brave, literally coming from this tiny island, where all their friends and family were in walking distance and saw them daily, English was their second language if barely a language at all to them and really having no idea of what they were destined for just pushing for a dream, knowing that with their large broods in tow they had to make it work despite the uncertainties and challenges that faced them ahead.

Growing up here in this blessed country where many had sort the same dreams as my grandparents, I had many friends that ancestors where from all parts of the globe. Friends from school whose parents and beyond where Italian, Korean, Thai, Greek, Lebanese, British, Chinese, the list goes on. The thing that is inevitable when you grow up around so many other first generation Australians is that you see very little difference between you and them. Besides the obvious psychical, you all grow up just being simply Australian. This is what you know, not the life that your parents had lived abroad but playing amongst the gum trees, long hot Aussie summers, stumbling across blue tongue lizards at the nearby creek and good ol fashioned sausage sizzles.

So when I started dating a beautiful, Australian man who was from Chinese, Fijian background (that man would eventually become my husband), I never dreamt that us being together could ever be offensive or disgusting to anyone else. Because to me all I had ever seen was a beautiful individual that was smart, soft, sensitive, creative and everything I had ever dreamed in a partner for my life. Yes we looked different, our families were from different corners of the world, but we had the same core ethics and family values, we were brought up in a very similar village mentality but most importantly we were in sync and we were in love. His look was exotic to me and I too him but fundamentally we matched in a way I had with no other. He was and is my soul mate.

In 2012 we welcomed our first born son to the world, throughout the pregnancy we would always talk about how we wondered what he would look. Would he take on more Asian or European features? It was exciting, guessing, wondering, dreaming of this beautiful human taking form inside me. He was born in absolute perfection and a miniature image of his father. When I would take my new born son out and people would ask if I was his nanny, it would shock me as when I looked at him all I could see was yes an extension of my husband, but also of me, a piece of me. As he grew his features changed and he became a lot more “Eurasian” looking although still maintaining a strong resemblance to his father and Chinese heritage. In our home we have always celebrated our diverse cultures, we thought the kids were so lucky to experience two different languages, cuisines, cultures. Never had it entered my mind that not everybody would view it like this. That there would be people who despise and reject what utter exquisiteness we had created.

I was caught so off guard that morning as I watched my son run and play out of the library, it was just he, I and his unborn sister kicking away in my belly, stuck in our little bubble of love. I was so engrossed watching him, watching how much he was growing, learning, changing in front of my eyes. When a man stopped me in my tracks, shocking me to a stop of fear with his hostile energy. He got right up into my face and pointed his finger at me yelling at me like I was a piece of worthlessness life. “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, LOOK AT YOUR F..KIN GOOK FACED CHILD”. I literally was paralyzed with disbelief. I couldn’t speak, I have never felt like I wanted to move so badly yet the messages where not connecting thoughts to actions. I covered my stomach, my initial reaction after I came too once the paralysis wore off. Was he going to harm my baby? Did he have a knife? Was he armed? I side stepped him and grabbed my son, picking him up with an urgency and protection only a mother could relate too. He was yelling at me but I couldn’t make out what he was saying as I was going through motions that I was not fully in control of. Motherly instinct had kicked in and I was genuinely worried for the safety of my children. My heart was pounding and my legs started to pick up pace, I started to feel my brisk walk turn to a run, I felt so vulnerable as I wanted to move faster but my pregnant self and toddler in tow was making it difficult. I just needed to protect my babies. I finally ran to the car and locked my son and myself in. I was balling my eyes out hysterically. I tried to call my husband but it went to voicemail as he was at work. I called my mum and with hearing the sound of her voice when she picked up the phone, that comforting voice of a mother it made me lose it even more and sob incomprehensibly. My mum was so overwhelmed her initial reaction was that I had gone into premature labor or something had happen to the babies. I finally gained a bit of composure and talked her through what had just happened. I was completely heartbroken for it was the first time it had ever occurred to me that my children would face any sort of discrimination for the way they look or their cultural heritage. That anyone would face this type of degrading assault.

I literally cried for 2 days. It would hit me in waves and I found myself crying myself to sleep at night. A deep devastation kept pouring out of me almost like I was grieving. For a few reasons I guess, yes hormones I am sure that elevated the situation but it was far bigger than that. I had never had someone direct such a hate, an intense hate toward me like that. The thought of it being my children baring the brunt of this completely destroyed a part of me. Hit me in my guts and made me want to be utterly sick. Was it my fault? My selfishness in wanting to bring them into this world of hatefulness? Could I, would I have avoided it? I could not believe the ignorance out there, of a minority yes but a minority that is not afraid to voice their bigotry opinions so openly, aggressively. I mean sure growing up I had been called a wog, or other hurtful names regarding my ethnic appearance or declaring my claim to be Australian was less justifiable due to my tanned skin, dark brown eyes and curly brown hair. I wasn’t a REAL Australian. It hurt at times yes but it never bothered me like this did because most of those incidences where purely misinformed, uneducated kids just relaying secondhand comments that they had heard there prejudice parents throw around. I always palmed these off as rare instances of stupidity but were they? The hatred and anger behind this man evoked a deep sadness within me, did he represent an underlying racism that is growing in Australia? Did this undercurrent of hatred exist and I just had no idea about it? Not just to a specific race or minority but to all or anyone who dare not fit the mold. After an open discussion with my husband he told me of many occasions in which he had had racist encounters, growing up how he had felt isolated and he too had felt the shun of the REAL Australian kids. It shocked and saddened me hearing his stories.

But through other peoples ignorance they give you a gift, a gift of strength and resilience. A gratitude for the people who surround you, representing the good in your community and a will to create change, educating those who live in fear. It opened up a dialogue between my husband and I about how crucial it was to instill an open mindedness in our children and also giving them the strength to stand tall and proud of their rich and colourful heritage. To teach them of the struggles and perseverance that their ancestors have gone through in order for them to live the life that they do and have the opportunities that lay ahead of them. To teach them to not let the opinions of a few stand for majority. To fully embrace every part of their culture and never doubt that they are REAL Australians too.

So to that man that day you have imprinted a scar in me but one I need to wear so for that I actually am grateful. It was a lesson that I needed to learn to better prepare my children. Because if this ever happened to them I will have equipped them with the knowledge and strength within themselves to stand tall and retaliate. Retaliate not with violence but with intelligent, articulate responses to yours or any hateful speech, shield themselves with poise and inner strength of firmly knowing who they are and where they come from, repelling the hostile energy and to protect their hearts from your hurtful untruths. It is I who feel sorry for you as you walk the streets alone, angry and bitter as I come home everyday to love, cuddle my beautiful children and loving husband, living a life I have always wanted. It is I who am living the Australian dream. I who am proud and confident to say I am Australian.

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Photo credit CJ Photography